白噪音(White Noise) (英文版)作者:唐·德里罗(Don DeLillo)-第42章

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on。　I　tried　to　think　of　something　funny　to　say。
　　26
　　Isat　up　in　bed　with　my　notes　on　German　grammar。　Babette　lay　on　her　side　staring　into　the　clock…radio；　listening　to　a　call…in　show。　I　heard　a　woman　say：　〃In　1977　I　looked　in　the　mirror　and　saw　the　person　I　was　being。　I　couldn't　or　wouldn't　get　out　of　bed。　Figures　moved　at　the　edge　of　my　vision；　like　with　scurrying　steps。　I　was　getting　phone　calls　from　a　Pershing　missile　base。　I　needed　to　talk　to　others　who　shared　these　experiences。　I　needed　a　support　program；　something　to　enroll　in。〃
　　I　leaned　across　my　wife's　body　and　turned　off　the　radio。　She　kept　on　staring。　I　kissed　her　lightly　on　the　head。
　　〃Murray　says　you　have　important　hair。〃
　　She　smiled　in　a　pale　and　depleted　way。　I　put　down　my　notes　and　eased　her　around　slightly　so　that　she　looked　straight　up　as　I　spoke。
　　〃It's　time　for　a　major　dialogue。　You　know　it；　I　know　it。　You'll　tell　me　all　about　Dylar。　If　not　for　my　sake；　then　for　your　little　girl's。　She's　been　worried—worried　sick。　Besides；　you　have　no　more　room　to　maneuver。　We've　backed　you　against　the　wall。　Denise　and　I。　I　found　the　concealed　bottle；　removed　a　tablet；　had　it　analyzed　by　an　expert。　Those　little　white　disks　are　superbly　engineered。　Laser　technology；　advanced　plastics。　Dylar　is　almost　as　ingenious　as　the　microorganisms　that　ate　the　billowing　cloud。　Who　would　have　believed　in　the　existence　of　a　little　white　pill　that　works　as　a　pressure　pump　in　the　human　body　to　provide　medication　safely　and　effectively；　and　self…destructs　as　well？　I　am　struck　by　the　beauty　of　this。　We　know　something　else；　something　crucially　damaging　to　your　case。　We　know　Dylar　is　not　available　to　the　general　public。　This　fact　alone　justifies　our　demands　for　an　explanation。　There's　really　very　little　left　for　you　to　say。　Just　tell　us　the　nature　of　the　drag。　As　you　well　know；　I　don't　have　the　temperament　to　hound　people。　But　Denise　is　a　different　kind　of　person。　I've　been　doing　all　I　can　to　restrain　her。　If　you　don't　tell　me　what　I　want　to　know；　I'll　unleash　your　little　girl。　She'll　e　at　you　with　everything　she　has。　She　won't　waste　time　trying　to　make　you　feel　guilty。　Denise　believes　in　a　frontal　attack。　She'll　hammer　you　right　into　the　ground。　You　know　I'm　right；　Babette。〃
　　About　five　minutes　passed。　She　lay　there；　staring　into　the　ceiling。
　　〃Just　let　me　tell　it　in　my　own　way；〃　she　said　in　a　small　voice。
　　〃Would　you　like　a　liqueur？〃
　　〃No；　thank　you。〃
　　〃Take　your　time；〃　I　said。　〃We've　got　all　night。　If　there's　anything　you　want　or　need；　just　say　so。　You　have　only　to　ask。　I'll　be　right　here　for　as　long　as　it　takes。〃
　　Another　moment　passed。
　　〃I　don't　know　exactly　when　it　started。　Maybe　a　year　and　a　half　ago。　I　thought　I　was　going　through　a　phase；　some　kind　of　watermark　period　in　my　life。〃
　　〃Landmark；〃　I　said。　〃Or　watershed。〃
　　〃A　kind　of　settling…in…period；　I　thought。　Middle　age。　Something　like　that。　The　condition　would　go　away　and　I'd　forget　all　about　it。　But　it　didn't　go　away。　I　began　to　think　it　never　would。〃
　　〃What　condition？〃
　　〃Never　mind　that　for　now。〃
　　〃You've　been　depressed　lately。　I've　never　seen　you　like　this。　This　is　the　whole　point　of　Babette。　She's　a　joyous　person。　She　doesn't　succumb　to　gloom　or　self…pity。〃
　　〃Let　me　tell　it；　Jack。〃
　　〃All　right。〃
　　〃You　know　how　I　am。　I　think　everything　is　correctible。　Given　the　right　attitude　and　the　proper　effort；　a　person　can　change　a　harmful　condition　by　reducing　it　to　its　simplest　parts。　You　can　make　lists；　invent　categories；　devise　charts　and　graphs。　This　is　how　I　am　able　to　teach　my　students　how　to　stand；　sit　and　walk；　even　though　I　know　you　think　these　subjects　are　too　obvious　and　nebulous　and　generalized　to　be　reduced　to　ponent　parts。　I'm　not　a　very　ingenious　person　but　I　know　how　to　break　things　down；　how　to　separate　and　classify。　We　can　analyze　posture；　we　can　analyze　eating；　drinking　and　even　breathing。　How　else　do　you　understand　the　world；　is　my　way　of　looking　at　it。〃
　　〃I'm　right　here；〃　I　said。　〃If　there's　anything　you　want　or　need；　only　say　the　word。〃
　　〃When　I　realized　this　condition　was　not　about　to　go　away；　I　set　out　to　understand　it　better　by　reducing　it　to　its　parts。　First　I　had　to　find　out　if　it　had　any　parts。　I　went　to　libraries　and　bookstores；　read　magazines　and　technical　journals；　watched　cable　TV；　made　lists　and　diagrams；　made　multicolored　charts；　made　phone　calls　to　technical　writers　and　scientists；　talked　to　a　Sikh　holy　man　in　Iron　City　and　even　studied　the　occult；　hiding　the　books　in　the　attic　so　you　and　Denise　wouldn't　find　them　and　wonder　what　was　going　on。〃
　　〃All　this　without　my　knowing。　The　whole　point　of　Babette　is　that　she　speaks　to　me；　she　reveals　and　confides。〃
　　〃This　is　not　a　story　about　your　disappointment　at　my　silence。　The　theme　of　this　story　is　my　pain　and　my　attempts　to　end　it。〃
　　〃I'll　make　some　hot　chocolate。　Would　you　like　that？〃
　　〃Stay。　This　is　a　crucial　part。　All　this　energy；　this　research；　study　and　concealment；　but　I　was　getting　nowhere。　The　condition　would　not　yield。　It　hung　over　my　life；　gave　me　no　rest。　Then　one　day　I　was　reading　to　Mr。　Treadwell　from　the　National　Examiner。　An　ad　caught　my　eye。　Never　mind　exactly　what　it　said。　Volunteers　wanted　for　secret　research。　This　is　all　you　have　to　know。〃
　　〃I　thought　it　was　my　former　wives　who　practiced　guile。　Sweet　deceivers。　Tense；　breathy；　high…cheekboned；　bilingual。〃
　　〃I　answered　the　ad　and　was　interviewed　by　a　small　firm　doing　research　in　psychobiology。　Do　you　know　what　that　is？〃
　　〃No。〃
　　〃Do　you　know　how　plex　the　human　brain　is？〃
　　〃I　have　some　idea。〃
　　〃No；　you　don't。　Let's　call　the　pany　Gray　Research；　although　that's　not　the　true　name。　Let's　call　my　contact　Mr。　Gray。　Mr。　Gray　is　a　posite。　I　was　eventually　in　touch　with　three　or　four　or　more　people　at　the　firm。〃
　　〃One　of　those　long　low　pale　brick　buildings　with　electrified　fencing　and　low…profile　shrubbery。〃
　　〃I　never　saw　their　headquarters。　Never　mind　why。　The　point　is　I　took　test　after　test。　Emotional；　psychological；　motor　response；　brain　activity。　Mr。　Gray　said　there　were　three　finalists　and　I　was　one　of　them。〃
　　〃Finalists　for　what？〃
　　〃We　were　to　be　test　subjects　in　the　development　of　a　super　experimental　and　top　secret　drug；　code…name　Dylar；　that　he'd　been　working　on　for　years。　He'd　found　a　Dylar　receptor　in　the　human　brain　and　was　putting　the　finishing　touches　on　the　tablet　itself。　But　he　also　told　me　there　were　dangers　in　running　tests　on　a　human。　I　could　die。　I　could　live　but　my　brain　could　die。　The　left　side　of　my　brain　cquld　die　but　the　right　side　could　live。　This　would　mean　that　the　left　side　of　my　body　would　live　but　the　right　side　would　die。　There　were　many　grim　specters。　I　could　walk　sideways　but　not　forward。　I　could　not　distinguish　words　from　things；　so　that　if　someone　said　'speeding　bullet；'　I　would　fall　to　the　floor　and　take　cover。　Mr。　Gray　wanted　me　to　know　the　risks。　There　were　releases　and　other　documents　for　me　to　sign。　The　firm　had　lawyers；　priests。〃
　　〃They　let　you　go　ahead；　a　human　test　animal。〃
　　〃No；　they　didn't。　They　said　it　was　way　too　risky—legally；　ethically　and　so　forth。　They　went　to　work　designing　puter　molecules　and　puter　brains。　I　refused　to　accept　this。　I'd　e　so　far；　e　so　close。　I　want　you　to　try　to　understand　what　happened　next。　If　I'm　going　to　tell　you　the　story　at　all；　I　have　to　include　this　aspect　of　it；　this　grubby　little　corner　of　the　human　heart。　You　say　Babette　reveals　and　confides。〃
　　〃This　is　the　point　of　Babette。〃
　　〃Good。　I　will　reveal　and　confide。　Mr。　Gray　and　I　made　a　private　arrangement。　Forget　the　priests；　the　lawyers；　the　psychobiologists。　We　would　conduct　the　experiments　on　our　own。　I　would　be　cured　of　my　condition；　he　would　be　acclaimed　for　a　wonderful　medical　breakthrough。〃
　　〃What's　so　grubby　about　this？〃
　　〃It　involved　an　indiscretion。　This　was　the　only　way　I　could　get　Mr。　Gray　to　let　me　use　the　drug。　It　was　my　last　resort；　my　last　hope。　First　I'd　offered　him　my　mind。　Now　I　offered　my　body。〃
　　I　felt　a　sensation　of　warmth　creeping　up　my　back　and　radiating　outward　across　my　shoulders。　Babette　looked　straight　up。　I　was　propped　on　an　elbow；　facing　her；　studying　her　features。　When　I　spoke　finally　i