白噪音(White Noise) (英文版)作者:唐·德里罗(Don DeLillo)-第43章

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ed　straight　up。　I　was　propped　on　an　elbow；　facing　her；　studying　her　features。　When　I　spoke　finally　it　was　in　a　reasonable　and　inquiring　voice—the　voice　of　a　man　who　seeks　genuinely　to　understand　some　timeless　human　riddle。
　　〃How　do　you　offer　your　body　to　a　posite　of　three　or　more　people？　This　is　a　pound　person。　He　is　like　a　police　sketch　of　one　person's　eyebrows；　another　person's　nose。　Let's　concentrate　on　the　genitals。　How　many　sets　are　we　talking　about？〃
　　〃Just　one　person's；　Jack。　A　key　person；　the　project　manager。〃
　　〃So　we　are　no　longer　referring　to　the　Mr。　Gray　who　is　a　posite。〃
　　〃He　is　now　one　person。　We　went　to　a　grubby　little　motel　room。　Never　mind　where　or　when。　It　had　the　TV　up　near　the　ceiling。　This　is　all　I　remember。　Grubby；　tacky。　I　was　heartsick。　But　so；　so　desperate。〃
　　〃You　call　this　an　indiscretion；　as　if　we　haven't　had　a　revolution　in　frank　and　bold　language。　Call　it　what　it　was；　describe　it　honestly；　give　it　the　credit　it　deserves。　You　entered　a　motel　room；　excited　by　its　impersonality；　the　functionalism　and　bad　taste　of　the　furnishings。　You　walked　barefoot　on　the　f？re…retardant　carpet。　Mr。　Gray　went　around　opening　doors；　looking　for　a　full…length　mirror。　He　watched　you　undress。　You　lay　on　the　bed；　embracing。　Then　he　entered　you。〃
　　〃Don't　use　that　term。　You　know　how　I　feel　about　that　usage。〃
　　〃He　effected　what　is　called　entry。　In　other　words　he　inserted　himself。　One　minute　he　was　fully　dressed；　putting　the　car　rental　keys　on　the　dresser。　The　next　minute　he　was　inside　you。〃
　　〃No　one　was　inside　anyone。　That　is　stupid　usage。　I　did　what　I　had　to　do。　I　was　remote。　I　was　operating　outside　myself。　It　was　a　capitalist　transaction。　You　cherish　the　wife　who　tells　you　everything。　1　am　doing　my　best　to　be　that　person。
　　〃All　right；　I'm　only　trying　to　understand。　How　many　times　did　you　go　to　this　motel？〃
　　〃More　or　less　on　a　continuing　basis　for　some　months。　That　was　the　agreement。〃
　　I　felt　heat　rising　along　the　back　of　my　neck。　I　watched　her　carefully。　A　sadness　showed　in　her　eyes。　I　lay　back　and　looked　at　the　ceiling。　The　radio　came　on。　She　began　to　cry　softly。
　　〃There's　some　Jell…O　with　banana　slices；〃　I　said。　〃Steffie　made　it。〃
　　〃She's　a　good　girl。〃
　　〃I　can　easily　get　you　some。〃
　　〃No；　thank　you。〃
　　〃Why　did　the　radio　e　on？〃
　　〃The　auto…timer　is　broken。　I'll　take　it　to　the　shop　tomorrow。〃
　　〃I'll　take　it。〃
　　〃it's　all　right；〃　she　said。　〃It's　no　trouble。　I　can　easily　take　it。〃
　　〃Did　you　enjoy　having　sex　with　him？〃
　　〃I　only　remember　the　TV　up　near　the　ceiling；　aimed　down　at　us。〃
　　〃Did　he　have　a　sense　of　humor？　I　know　women　appreciate　men　who　can　joke　about　sex。　I　can't；　unfortunately；　and　after　this　I　don't　think　there's　much　chance　I'll　be　able　to　learn。〃
　　〃It's　better　if　you　know　him　as　Mr。　Gray。　That's　all。　He's　not　tall；　short；　young　or　old。　He　doesn't　laugh　or　cry。　It's　for　your　own　good。〃
　　〃I　have　a　question。　Why　didn't　Gray　Research　run　tests　on　animals？　Animals　must　be　better　than　puters　in　some　respects。〃
　　'That's　just　the　point。　No　animal　has　this　condition。　This　is　a　human　condition。　Animals　fear　many　things；　Mr。　Gray　said。　But　their　brains　aren't　sophisticated　enough　to　acmodate　this　particular　state　of　mind。〃
　　For　the　first　time　I　began　to　get　an　inkling　of　what　she'd　been　talking　about　all　along。　My　body　went　cold。　I　felt　hollow　inside。　I　rose　from　my　supine　position；　once　again　propping　myself　on　an　elbow　to　look　down　at　her。　She　started　to　cry　again。
　　〃You　have　to　tell　me；　Babette。　You've　taken　me　this　far；　put　me　through　this　much。　I　have　to　know。　What's　the　condition？〃
　　The　longer　she　wept；　the　more　certain　I　became　that　I　knew　what　she　was　going　to　say。　I　felt　an　impulse　to　get　dressed　and　leave；　take　a　room　somewhere　until　this　whole　thing　blew　over。　Babette　raised　her　face　to　me；　sorrowing　and　pale；　her　eyes　showing　a　helpless　desolation。　We　faced　each　other；　propped　on　elbows；　like　a　sculpture　of　lounging　philosophers　in　a　classical　academy。　The　radio　turned　itself　off。
　　〃I'm　afraid　to　die；〃　she　said。　〃I　think　about　it　all　the　time。　It　won't　go　away。〃
　　〃Don't　tell　me　this。　This　is　terrible。〃
　　〃I　can't　help　it。　How　can　I　help　it？〃
　　〃I　don't　want　to　know。　Save　it　for　our　old　age。　You're　still　young；　you　get　plenty　of　exercise。　This　is　not　a　reasonable　fear。〃
　　〃It　haunts　me；　Jack。　I　can't　get　it　off　my　mind。　I　know　I'm　not　supposed　to　experience　such　a　fear　so　consciously　and　so　steadily。　What　can　I　do？　It's　just　there。　That's　why　I　was　so　quick　to　notice　Mr。　Gray's　ad　in　the　tabloid　I　was　reading　aloud。　The　headline　hit　home。　FEAR　OF　DEATH；　it　said。　I　think　about　it　all　the　time。　You're　disappointed。　I　can　tell。〃
　　〃Disappointed？〃
　　〃You　thought　the　condition　would　be　more　specific。　I　wish　it　was。　But　a　person　doesn't　search　for　months　and　months　to　corner　the　solution　to　some　daily　little　ailment。〃
　　I　tried　to　talk　her　out　of　it。
　　〃How　can　you　be　sure　it　is　death　you　fear？　Death　is　so　vague。　No　one　knows　what　it　is；　what　it　feels　like　or　looks　like。　Maybe　you　just　have　a　personal　problem　that　surfaces　in　the　form　of　a　great　universal　subject。〃
　　〃What　problem？〃
　　〃Something　you're　hiding　from　yourself。　Your　weight　maybe。〃
　　〃I've　lost　weight。　What　about　my　height？〃
　　〃I　know　you've　lost　weight。　That's　just　my　point。　You　practically　ooze　good　health。　You　reek　of　it。　Hookstratten　confirms　this；　your　own　doctor。　There　must　be　something　else；　an　underlying　problem。〃
　　〃What　could　be　more　underlying　than　death？〃
　　I　tried　to　persuade　her　it　was　not　as　serious　as　she　thought。
　　〃Baba；　everyone　fears　death。　Why　should　you　be　different？　You　yourself　said　earlier　it　is　a　human　condition。　There's　no　one　who　has　lived　past　the　age　of　seven　who　hasn't　worried　about　dying。〃
　　〃At　some　level　everyone　fears　death。　I　fear　it　right　up　front。　I　don't　know　how　or　why　it　happened。　But　I　can't　be　the　only　one　or　why　would　Gray　Research　spend　millions　on　a　pill？〃
　　〃That's　what　I　said。　You're　not　the　only　one。　There　are　hundreds　of　thousands　of　people。　Isn't　it　reassuring　to　know　that？　You're　like　the　woman　on　the　radio　who　got　phone　calls　from　a　missile　base。　She　wanted　to　find　others　whose　own　psychotic　experiences　would　make　her　feel　less　isolated。〃
　　〃But　Mr。　Gray　said　I　was　extra　sensitive　to　the　terror　of　death。　He　gave　me　a　battery　of　tests。　That's　why　he　was　eager　to　use　me。〃
　　'This　is　what　I　find　odd。　You　concealed　your　terror　for　so　long。　If　you're　able　to　conceal　such　a　thing　from　a　husband　and　children；　maybe　it　is　not　so　severe。〃
　　'This　is　not　the　story　of　a　wife's　deception。　You　can't　sidestep　the　true　story；　Jack。　It　is　too　big。〃
　　I　kept　my　voice　calm。　I　spoke　to　her　as　one　of　those　reclining　philosophers　might　address　a　younger　member　of　the　academy；　someone　whose　work　is　promising　and　fitfully　brilliant　but　perhaps　too　heavily　dependent　on　the　scholarship　of　the　senior　fellow。
　　〃Baba；　I　am　the　one　in　this　family　who　is　obsessed　by　death。　I　have　always　been　the　one。〃
　　〃You　never　said。〃
　　'To　protect　you　from　worry。　To　keep　you　animated；　vital　and　happy。　You　are　the　happy　one。　I　am　the　doomed　fool。　That's　what　I　can't　forgive　you　for。　Telling　me　you're　not　the　woman　I　believed　you　were。　I'm　hurt；　I'm　devastated。〃
　　〃I　always　thought　of　you　as　someone　who　might　muse　on　death。　You　might　take　walks　and　muse。　But　all　those　times　we　talked　about　who　will　die　first；　you　never　said　you　were　afraid。〃
　　〃The　same　goes　for　you。　'As　soon　as　the　kids　are　grown。'　You　made　it　sound　like　a　trip　to　Spain。〃
　　〃I　do　want　to　die　first；〃　she　said；　〃but　that　doesn't　mean　I'm　not　afraid。　I'm　terribly　afraid。　I'm　afraid　all　the　time。〃
　　〃I've　been　afraid　for　more　than　half　my　life。〃
　　〃What　do　you　want　me　to　say？　Your　fear　is　older　and　wiser　than　mine？〃
　　〃I　wake　up　sweating。　I　break　out　in　killer　sweats。〃
　　〃I　chew　gum　because　my　throat　constricts。〃
　　〃I　have　no　body。　I'm　only　a　mind　or　a　self；　alone　in　a　vast　space。〃
　　〃I　seize　up；〃　she　said。
　　〃I'm　too　weak　to　move。　I　lack　all　sense　of　resolve；　determination。〃
　　〃I　thought　about　my　mother　dying。　Then　she　died。〃
　　〃I　think　about　everyone　dying。　Not　just　myself。