白噪音(White Noise) (英文版)作者:唐·德里罗(Don DeLillo)-第56章

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ce　feelings　of　suspense　and　anxiety　in　others。　It　was　part　of　the　reckless　weather　in　which　he　moved。
　　〃Just　the　man　I　want　to　see。〃
　　〃Vern；　it's　the　middle　of　the　night。　Don't　you　ever　sleep？〃
　　〃Let's　go　out　to　the　car；〃　he　said。
　　〃Are　you　serious？〃
　　〃What　we　have　here　is　a　situation　we　ought　to　conduct　in　private。　This　house　is　full　of　women。　Or　am　I　wrong？〃
　　〃We're　alone　here。　What　is　it　you　want　to　talk　about？〃
　　〃They　listen　in　their　sleep；〃　he　said。
　　We　went　out　the　back　door　to　keep　from　waking　Heinrich。　I　followed　him　along　the　pathway　at　the　side　of　the　house　and　down　the　steps　to　the　driveway。　His　little　car　sat　in　the　dark。　He　got　behind　the　wheel　and　I　slid　in　next　to　him；　gathering　up　my　bathrobe　and　feeling　trapped　in　the　limited　space。　The　car　held　a　smell　like　some　dangerous　vapor　in　the　depths　of　a　body…and…fender　shop；　a　mixture　of　exhausted　metal；　flammable　rags　and　scorched　rubber。　The　upholstery　was　torn。　In　the　glow　of　a　street…lamp　I　saw　wires　dangling　from　the　dash　and　the　overhead　fixture。
　　〃I　want　you　to　have　this；　Jack。〃
　　〃Have　what？〃
　　〃I've　had　it　for　years。　Now　I　want　you　to　have　it。　Who　knows　if　I'll　ever　see　you　folks　again？　What　the　hell。　Who　cares。　Big　deal。〃
　　You're　giving　me　the　car？　I　don't　want　the　car。　It's　a　terrible　car。〃
　　〃In　your　whole　life　as　a　man　in　today's　world；　have　you　ever　owned　a　firearm？〃
　　〃No；〃　　　I　said。
　　〃I　figured。　I　said　to　myself　here's　the　last　man　in　America　who　doesn't　own　the　means　to　defend　himself。〃
　　He　reached　into　a　hole　in　the　rear　seat；　ing　out　with　a　small　dark　object。　He　held　it　in　the　palm　of　his　right　hand。
　　〃Take　it；　Jack。〃
　　〃What　is　it？〃
　　〃Heft　it　around。　Get　the　feel。　It's　loaded。〃
　　He　passed　it　to　me。　Stupidly　I　said　again；　〃What　is　it？〃　There　was　something　unreal　about　the　experience　of　holding　a　gun。　I　kept　staring　at　it；　wondering　what　Vernon's　motive　might　be。　Was　he　Death's　dark　messenger　after　all？　A　loaded　weapon。　How　quickly　it　worked　a　change　in　me；　numbing　my　hand　even　as　I　sat　staring　at　the　thing；　not　wishing　to　give　it　a　name。　Did　Vernon　mean　to　provoke　thought；　provide　my　life　with　a　fresh　design；　a　scheme；　a　shapeliness？　I　wanted　to　give　it　back。
　　〃It's　a　little　bitty　thing　but　it　shoots　real　bullets；　which　is　all　a　man　in　your　position　can　rightly　ask　of　a　firearm。　Don't　worry；　Jack。　It　can't　be　traced。〃
　　〃Why　would　anyone　want　to　trace　it？〃
　　〃I　feel　like　if　you　give　someone　a　loaded　gun；　you　ought　to　supply　the　particulars。　This　here　is　a　25…caliber　Zumwalt　automatic。　German…made。　It　doesn't　have　the　stopping　power　of　a　heavy…barreled　weapon　but　you're　not　going　out　there　to　face　down　a　rhino；　are　you？〃
　　〃That's　the　point。　What　am　I　going　out　there　to　face　down？　Why　do　I　need　this　thing？〃
　　〃Don't　call　it　a　thing。　Respect　it；　Jack。　It's　a　well…designed　weapon。　Practical；　lightweight；　easy　to　conceal。　Get　to　know　your　handgun。　It's　only　a　question　of　time　as　to　when　you'll　want　to　use　it。〃
　　〃When　will　I　want　to　use　it？〃
　　〃Do　we　live　on　the　same　planet？　What　century　is　this？　Look　how　easy　I　got　into　your　backyard。　I　pry　open　a　window　and　I'm　in　the　house。　I　could　have　been　a　professional　burglar；　an　escaped　con；　one　of　those　drifters　with　a　skimpy　beard。　A　wandering　killer　type　that　follows　the　sun。　A　weekend　mass　murderer　with　an　office　job。　Take　your　choice。〃
　　〃Maybe　you　need　a　gun　where　you　live。　Take　it　back。　We　don't　want　it。〃
　　〃I　got　myself　a　bat　magnum　parked　near　my　bed。　I　hate　to　tell　you　what　mischief　it　can　cause　with　the　placement　of　a　man's　features。〃
　　He　gave　me　a　canny　look。　I　resumed　staring　at　the　gun。　It　occurred　to　me　that　this　was　the　ultimate　device　for　determining　one's　petence　in　the　world。　I　bounced　it　in　the　palm　of　my　hand；　sniffed　the　steely　muzzle。　What　does　it　mean　to　a　person；　beyond　his　sense　of　petence　and　well…being　and　personal　worth；　to　carry　a　lethal　weapon；　to　handle　it　well；　be　ready　and　willing　to　use　it？　A　concealed　lethal　weapon。　It　was　a　secret；　it　was　a　second　life；　a　second　self；　a　dream；　a　spell；　a　plot；　a　delirium。
　　German…made。
　　〃Don't　tell　Babette。　She'd　get　real　put　out　if　she　knew　you　were　harboring　a　firearm。〃
　　〃I　don't　want　it；　Vern。　Take　it　back。〃
　　〃Don't　put　it　just　anywhere　neither。　A　kid　gets　ahold　of　it；　you　have　an　immediate　situation。　Be　smart。　Think　about　where　to　put　it　so　it'll　be　right　there　at　the　time。　Figure　out　your　field　of　fire　beforehand。　If　you　have　an　intruder　situation；　where　will　he　enter；　how　will　he　approach　the　valuables？　If　you　have　a　mental；　where　is　he　going　to　e　at　you　from？　Mentals　are　unpredictable　because　they　don't　know　themselves　what　they're　doing。　They　approach　from　wherever；　from　a　tree　limb；　a　branch。　Think　about　putting　jagged　glass　on　your　window　ledges。　Learn　dropping　to　the　floor　fast。〃
　　〃We　don't　want　guns　in　our　little　town。〃
　　〃Be　smart　for　once　in　your　life；〃　he　told　me　in　the　dark　car。　〃It's　not　what　you　want　that　matters。〃
　　Early　the　next　day　a　crew　came　to　fix　the　street。　Vernon　was　out　there　at　once；　watching　them　jackhammer　and　haul　the　asphalt；　staying　close　to　them　as　they　leveled　the　smoking　pitch。　When　the　workmen　left；　his　visit　seemed　to　end；　collapsed　into　its　own　lading　momentum。　We　began　to　see　a　blank　space　where　Vernon　stood。　He　regarded　us　from　a　prudent　distance；　as　if　we　were　strangers　with　secret　resentments。　An　indefinable　fatigue　collected　around　our　efforts　to　converse。
　　Out　on　the　sidewalk；　Babette　held　him　and　wept。　For　his　departure　he'd　shaved；　washed　the　car；　put　a　blue　bandanna　around　his　neck。　She　could　not　seem　to　get　enough　of　crying。　She　looked　into　his　face　and　cried。　She　cried　embracing　him。　She　gave　him　a　Styrofoam　hamper　full　of　sandwiches；　chicken　and　coffee；　and　she　cried　as　he　set　it　down　amid　the　gouged…out　seat　stuffing　and　slashed　upholstery。
　　''She's　a　good　girl；〃　he　told　me　grimly。
　　In　the　driver's　seat　he　ran　his　fingers　through　his　ducktail；　checking　himself　in　the　rearview　mirror。　Then　he　coughed　a　while；　giving　us　one　more　episode　of　lashing　phlegm。　Babette　wept　anew。　We　leaned　toward　the　window　on　the　passenger's　side；　watching　him　hunch　around　into　his　driving　posture；　setting　himself　casually　between　the　door　and　the　seat；　his　left　arm　hanging　out　the　window。
　　〃Don't　worry　about　me；〃　he　said。　〃The　little　limp　means　nothing。　People　my　age　limp。　A　limp　is　a　natural　thing　at　a　certain　age。　Forget　the　cough。　It's　healthy　to　cough。　You　move　the　stuff　around。　The　stuff　can't　harm　you　as　long　as　it　doesn't　settle　in　one　spot　and　stay　there　for　years。　So　the　cough's　all　right。　So　is　the　insomnia。　The　insomnia's　all　right。　What　do　I　gain　by　sleeping？　You　reach　an　age　when　every　minute　of　sleep　is　one　less　minute　to　do　useful　things。　To　cough　or　limp。　Never　mind　the　women。　The　women　are　all　right。　We　rent　a　cassette　and　have　some　sex。　It　pumps　blood　to　the　heart。　Forget　the　cigarettes。　I　like　to　tell　myself　I'm　getting　away　with　something。　Let　the　Mormons　quit　smoking。　They'll　die　of　something　just　as　bad。　The　money's　no　problem。　I'm　all　set　inewise。　Zero　pensions；　zero　savings；　zero　stocks　and　bonds。　So　you　don't　have　to　worry　about　that。　That's　all　taken　care　of。　Never　mind　the　teeth。　The　teeth　are　all　right。　The　looser　they　are；　the　more　you　can　wobble　them　with　your　tongue。　It　gives　the　tongue　something　to　do。　Don't　worry　about　the　shakes。　Everybody　gets　the　shakes　now　and　then。　It's　only　the　left　hand　anyway。　The　way　to　enjoy　the　shakes　is　pretend　it's　somebody　else's　hand。　Never　mind　the　sudden　and　unexplained　weight　loss。　There's　no　point　eating　what　you　can't　see。　Don't　worry　about　the　eyes。　The　eyes　can't　get　any　worse　than　they　are　now。　Forget　the　mind　pletely。　The　mind　goes　before　the　body。　That's　the　way　it's　supposed　to　be。　So　don't　worry　about　the　mind。　The　mind　is　all　right。　Worry　about　the　car。　The　steering's　all　awry。　The　brakes　were　recalled　three　times。　The　hood　shoots　up　on　pothole　terrain。〃
　　Deadpan。　Babette　thought　this　last　part　was　funny。　The　part　about　the　car。　I　stood　there　amazed；　watching　her　walk　in　little　circles　of　hilarity；　weak…kneed；　shambling；　all　her　fears　and　defenses　adrift　in　the　sly　history　of　his　voice。