tg.stone of tears-第38章

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　‘I　feel　like　running　away；　but　I　don’t　know　where　to　go。　How　do　you　run　away　from　something　inside　you？’
　
　Kahlan　rubbed　her　fingers　back　and　forth　on　his　leg。　‘Richard；　I　know　this　is　hard　for　you　to　hear；　but　please　listen。　Magic　isn’t　bad。’　He　didn’t　object；　so　she　went　on。　‘How　people　use　it　is　sometimes　bad。　Like　the　way　Darken　Rahl　used　it。　I　have　had　magic　all　my　life。　I’ve　had　to　learn　to　live　with　who　I　am。　Do　you　hate　me　because　I　have　magic？’
　
　‘Of　course　not。’
　
　‘Do　you　love　me　despite　my　magic？’
　
　He　thought　a　minute。　‘No。　I　love　everything　about　you；　and　your　magic　is　part　of　you。　That　was　how　I　got　past　the　Confessor’s　magic。　If　I　had　loved　you　despite　your　power；　I　wouldn’t　have　been　accepting　you　for　who　you　are。　Your　magic　would　have　destroyed　me。’
　
　‘So　you　see？　Magic　isn’t　all　bad。　The　two　people　you　love　most　in　the　world　have　magic。　Zedd　and　me。　Please　listen。　You　have　the　gift。　It　is　called　a　gift；　not　a　curse。　It　is　a　wonderful；　rare　thing。　It　could　be　something　used　to　help　others。　You　have　already　used　it　to　help　others。　Maybe　you　should　try　to　think　of　it　in　this　way；　instead　of　trying　to　fight　something　that　can’t　be　fought。’
　
　He　stared　into　the　fire　a　long　time　as　she　smoothed　his　pant　leg。　She　could　hardly　hear　him　when　at　last　he　spoke。
　
　‘I　won’t　wear　a　collar　again。’
　
　Kahlan’s　gaze　went　to　the　Agiel。　The　red　leather　rod　hung　from　a　fine　gold　chain　at　his　neck；　swinging　slightly　with　his　breathing。　She　knew　the　Agiel　was　used　to　torture　people；　but　she　didn’t　know　how。　She　only　knew　she　didn’t　like　him　wearing　it。
　
　Kahlan　swallowed。　‘Did　the　Mord…Sith　make　you　wear　a　collar？’
　
　He　stared　unblinking　at　the　fire。　‘Her　name　was　Denna。’
　
　She　turned　to　him；　but　he　didn’t　respond。　‘Did　she　。。。　Did　Denna　make　you　wear　a　collar？’
　
　‘Yes。’　A　tear　ran　down　his　cheek。　‘She　used　it　to　hurt　me。　It　had　a　chain　on　it。　She　hooked　the　chain　to　her　belt　and　led　me　around　by　that　collar　like　an　animal。　When　she　would　attach　the　chain　to　some　resting　place；　I　couldn’t　move　it。　She　controlled　the　magic　that　gives　me　pain　when　I　use　the　sword　to　kill。　She　could　amplify　the　magic；　the　pain。　It　prevented　me　from　so　much　as　putting　tension　on　the　chain。　I　tried。　I　tried　hard。　You　can’t　imagine　how　much　it　hurt。　Denna　made　me　put　the　collar　around　my　own　neck。　She　made　me　do　a　lot　of　things。’
　
　‘But　the　headaches　will　kill　you。　The　Sisters　said　the　collar　will　stop　the　headaches　and　help　you　learn　to　control　the　gift。’
　
　‘They　said　that　was　one　of　the　reasons。　They　also　said　there　are　two　more　reasons　for　the　collar。　I　don’t　know　what　those　other　two　reasons　are。　Kahlan；　I　know　you　think　I’m　being　foolish。　I　think　I’m　being　foolish；　too。　My　head　tells　me　the　same　things　you　are　saying。　But　my　insides　tell　me　something　altogether　different。’
　
　Kahlan　reached　out　and　took　the　Agiel　in　her　fingers；　rolling　it　back　and　forth。　‘Because　of　this？　Because　of　what　Denna　did？’　He　nodded；　still　staring　at　the　fire。
　
　‘Richard；　what　does　this　do？’
　
　Richard　looked　to　her　at　last。　He　gripped　the　Agiel　in　his　fist。　‘Touch　my　hand。　Don’t　touch　the　Agiel；　just　my　hand。’
　
　Kahlan　reached　out　and　put　her　fingers　against　his　fist。
　
　She　jerked　back　with　a　yelp　of　pain。　She　shook　her　wrist；　trying　to　ease　the　sting。　‘Why　didn’t　it　hurt　before　when　I　touched　it？’
　
　‘Because　it　was　never　used　to　train　you。’
　
　‘Then　why　isn’t　it　hurting　you　to　hold　it？’
　
　Richard　still　had　his　fist　around　the　middle　of　the　red　leather　rod。　‘It　is。　It　hurts　whenever　I　hold　it。’
　
　Kahlan’s　eyes　widened。　‘You　mean　it’s　hurting　you　right　now；　like　when　I　touched　your　hand？’
　
　The　pain　of　the　headache　was　in　his　eyes。　‘No。　My　hand　was　shielding　you　from　what　it　really　feels　like。’
　
　She　reached　out　again。　‘I　want　to　know。’
　
　He　dropped　the　Agiel。　‘No。　I　don’t　want　it　to　hurt　you　like　that。　I　don’t　want　anything　to　ever　hurt　you　like　that。’
　
　‘Richard；　please？　I　want　to　know。　I　want　to　understand。’
　
　Richard　stared　into　her　eyes；　and　then　let　out　a　breath。　‘Is　there　anything　you　ask　I　wouldn’t　do？’　He　took　the　Agiel　in　his　fist　again。　‘Don’t　grip　it；　you　may　not　be　able　to　let　go　quick　enough。　Just　touch　it。　Hold　your　breath　and　keep　your　teeth　together　so　you　don’t　bite　your　tongue。　Tense　your　stomach　muscles。’
　
　Kahlan’s　heart　pounded　as　her　hand　went　toward　the　Agiel。　She　didn’t　want　to　feel　the　pain；　it　had　hurt　enough　just　to　touch　his　hand；　but　she　wanted　to　know　because　it　was　part　of　who　he　was　now。　She　wanted　to　know　everything　about　him。　Even　the　things　that　hurt。
　
　It　felt　like　touching　a　bolt　of　lightning。
　
　The　pain　shot　up　her　arm；　exploding　in　her　shoulder。　She　screamed　as　the　shock　threw　her　on　her　back。　She　rolled　over　on　her　face；　gripping　her　shoulder　with　her　other　hand。　She　couldn’t　move　her　arm。　Her　hand　tingled　and　shook。　She　was　shocked　and　frightened　by　the　sheer　power　of　the　pain。　She　cried　into　the　dirt　as　Richard’s　hand　touched　her　back　in　sympathy。　She　cried；　too；　because　now　she　understood；　just　a　little；　what　had　been　done　to　him。
　
　When　at　last　she　was　able　to　sit　up；　he　was　still　watching　her；　still　holding　the　Agiel　in　his　fist。　‘It　hurts　like　that　for　you　to　hold　it？’
　
　‘Yes。’
　
　She　hit　him　on　the　shoulder　with　her　fist。　‘Let　go　of　it！’　she　cried。　‘Stop　it！’
　
　He　released　the　Agiel；　letting　it　hang　again。　‘It　helps　distract　me　from　the　headaches；　sometimes；　to　touch　it。　Believe　it　or　not；　it　helps。’
　
　‘You　mean　the　headache　hurts　more　than　that？’
　
　He　nodded。　‘If　it　wasn’t　for　what　Denna　taught　me　about　pain；　I　would　be　unconscious　right　now。　Denna　taught　me　how　to　control　pain；　how　to　tolerate　it；　so　she　could　give　me　more。’
　
　She　tried　to　hold　back　the　tears。　‘Richard；　I　。。。’
　
　‘What　you　felt　was　the　least　of　what　the　Agiel　can　do。’　He　picked　it　up　again　and　touched　the　tip　to　the　inside　of　his　other　forearm。　Blood　gushed　from　under　the　Agiel。　He　took　it　away。　‘It　can　strip　the　flesh　right　off　you。　It　can　break　your　bones。　Denna　liked　to　use　it　to　crack　my　ribs。　She　would　press　it　against　me　and　I　could　hear　the　bone　crack。　They　still　aren’t　healed；　it　still　hurts　to　lie　down；　or　when　you　hug　me　tight　enough。　It　can　do　a　lot　of　other　things　too。　It　can　even　kill　with　a　touch。’
　
　He　stared　at　the　fire。　‘Denna　shackled　my　wrists；　and　later　locked　my　arms　behind　me；　and　held　me　up　with　a　rope　from　the　ceiling。　She　used　the　Agiel　on　me　for　hours　at　a　time。　I　would　beg　until　I　was　hoarse；　for　her　to　stop。　She　never　did。　Not　once。
　
　There　was　no　way　for　me　to　fight　back；　nothing　I　could　do　to　stop　her。　She　trained　me；　she　taught　me；　until　I　sometimes　thought　I　had　no　blood　or　breath　left。　I　begged　her　to　kill　me；　to　end　the　pain。　I　would　have　done　it　myself；　but　she　used　magic　to　prevent　it。　She　had　me　kneel　in　front　of　her　and　beg　her　to　use　the　Agiel。　I　would　have　done　anything　she　said。　She　had　a　friend　who　came　along　sometimes；　so　they　could　share　the　。。。　fun。’
　
　Kahlan　sat　frozen；　hardly　able　to　breathe。　‘Richard；　I　。。。’
　
　‘Every　day；　she　led　me　by　the　collar　to　a　place　where　she　could　hang　me　up　by　a　rope；　a　room　where　she　could　use　the　Agiel　on　me　without　distraction；　where　it　didn’t　matter　so　much　if　my　blood　got　everywhere。　Sometimes　she　did　it　from　the　first　thing　in　the　morning　until　night。　And　then　at　night　。。。
　
　That　is　what　wearing　a　collar　means　to　me。　You　can　tell　me　about　how　much　sense　it　makes；　about　how　it　will　help　me；　and　about　how　I　have　no　choice；　but　that　is　what　wearing　a　collar　means　to　me。
　
　‘I　know　exactly　what　your　shoulder　feels　like　right　now。　It　feels　like　the　skin　has　been　burned；　and　the　muscle　has　been　torn；　and　bone　is　splintered。　That　is　what　it　feels　like　to　wear　a　Mord…Sith’s　collar。　Only　everywhere　on　your　body　all　at　once；　and　all　day　long。　Add　to　that　the　thought　that　you　are　helpless　to　stop　it；　that　you　can　never　escape；　that　you’ll　never　again　see　the　only　person　you　will　ever　love。
　
　‘I　would　rather　die　than　put　a　collar　around　my　neck　again。