安妮日记英文版_安妮·弗兰克-第37章

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yours；　anne　

wednesday　evening；　january　19；　1944

dearest　kitty；

i　（there　i　go　again！）　dont　know　whats　happened；　but　since　my　dream　i　keep　noticing　how　ive　changed。　by　the　way；　i　dreamed　about　peter　again　last　night　and　once　again　i　felt　his　eyes　penetrate　mine；　but　this　dream　was　less　vivid　and　not　quite　as　beautiful　as　the　last。

you　know　that　i　always　used　to　be　jealous　of　margots　relationship　with　father。

theres　not　a　trace　of　my　jealousy　left　now；　i　still　feel　hurt　when　fathers　nerves　cause　him　to　be　unreasonable　toward　me；　but　then　i　think；　〃i　cant　blame　you　for　being　the　way　you　are。　you　talk　so　much　about　the　minds　of　children　and　adolescents；

but　you　dont　know　the　first　thing　about　them！〃　i　long　for　more　than　fathers　affection；　more　than　his　hugs　and　kisses。　isnt　it　awful　of　me　to　be　so　preoccupied　with　myself？　shouldnt　i；　who　want　to　be　good　and　kind；　forgive　them　first？　i　forgive　mother　too；　but　every　time　she　makes　a　sarcastic　remark　or　laughs　at　me；　its　all　i　can　do　to　control　myself。

i　know　im　far　from　being　what　i　should；　will　i　ever　be？

anne　frank

p。s。　father　asked　if　i　told　you　about　the　cake。　for　mothers　birthday；　she　received　a　real　mocha　cake；　prewar　quality；　from　the　office。　it　was　a　really　nice　day！　but　at　the　moment　theres　no　room　in　my　head　for　things　like　that。

saturday；　january　22；　1944

dearest　kitty；

can　you　tell　me　why　people　go　to　such　lengths　to　hide　their　real　selves？　or　why　i　always　behave　very　differently　when　im　in　the　pany　of　others？　why　do　people　have　so　little　trust　in　one　another？　i　know　there　must　be　a　reason；　but　sometimes　i　think　its　horrible　that　you　cant　ever　confide　in　anyone；　not　even　those　closest　to　you。

it　seems　as　if　ive　grown　up　since　the　night　i　had　that　dream；　as　if　ive　bee　more　independent。　youll　be　amazed　when　i　tell　you　that　even　my　attitude　toward　the　van　daans　has　changed。　ive　stopped　looking　at　all　the　discussions　and　arguments　from　my　familys　biased　point　of　view。　whats　brought　on　such　a　radical　change？　well；　you　see；　i　suddenly　realized　that　if　mother　had　been　different；　if　shed　been　a　real　mom；　our　relationship　would　have　been　very；　very　different。　mrs。　van　daan　is　by　no　means　a　wonderful　person；　yet　half　the　arguments　could　have　been　avoided　if　mother　hadnt　been　so　hard　to　deal　with　every　time　they　got　onto　a　tricky　subject。　mrs。　van　daan　does　have　one　good　point；　though：　you　can　talk　to　her。　she　may　be　selfish；　stingy　and　underhanded；　but　shell　readily　back　down　as　long　as　you　dont　provoke　her　and　make　her　unreasonable。　this　tactic　doesnt　work　every　time；　but　if　youre　patient；　you　can　keep　trying　and　see　how　far　you　get。

all　the　conflicts　about　our　upbringing；　about　not　pampering　children；　about　the　food　　about　everything；　absolutely　everything　　might　have　taken　a　different　turn　if　wed　remained　open　and　on　friendly　terms　instead　of　always　seeing　the　worst　side。

i　know　exactly　what　youre　going　to　say；　kitty。

〃but；　anne；　are　these　words　really　ing　from　your　lips？　from　you；　who　have　had　to　put　up　with　so　many　unkind　words　from　upstairs？　from　you；　who　are　aware　of　all　the　injustices？鈥�

and　yet　they　are　ing　from　me。　i　want　to　take　a　fresh　look　at　things　and　form　my　own　opinion；　not　just　ape　my　parents；　as　in　the　proverb　〃the　apple　never　falls　far　from　the　tree。〃　i　want　to　reexamine　the　van　daans　and　decide　for　myself　whats　true　and　whats　been　blown　out　of　proportion。　if　i　wind　up　being　disappointed　in　them；　i　can　always　side　with　father　and　mother。　but　if　not；　i　can　try　to　change　their　attitude。

and　if　that　doesnt　work；　ill　have　to　stick　with　my　own　opinions　and　judgment。　ill　take　every　opportunity　to　speak　openly　to　mrs。　van　d。　about　our　many　differences　and　not　be　afraid　　despite　my　reputation　as　a　smart　aleck　　to　offer　my　impartial　opinion。　i　wont　say　anything　negative　about　my　own　family；　though　that　doesnt　mean　i　wont　defend　them　if　somebody　else　does；　and　as　of　today；　my　gossiping　is　a　thing　of　the　past。

up　to　now　i　was　absolutely　convinced　that　the　van　daans　were　entirely　to　blame　for　the　quarrels；　but　now　im　sure　the　fault　was　largely　ours。　we　were　right　as　far　as　the　subject　matter　was　concerned；　but　intelligent　people　（such　as　ourselves！）　should　have　more　insight　into　how　to　deal　with　others。

i　hope　ive　got　at　least　a　touch　of　that　insight；　and　that　ill　find　an　occasion　to　put　it　to　good　use。

yours；　anne　

monday；　january　24；　1944

dearest　kitty；

a　very　strange　thing　has　happened　to　me。　（actually；　〃happened〃　isnt　quite　the　right　word。）

before　i　came　here；　whenever　anyone　at　home　or　at　school　talked　about　sex；　they　were　either　secretive　or　disgusting。　any　words　having　to　do　with　sex　were　spoken　in　a　low　whisper；　and　kids　who　werent　in　the　know　were　often　laughed　at。　that　struck　me　as　odd；　and　i　often　wondered　why　people　were　so　mysterious　or　obnoxious　when　they　talked　about　this　subject。　but　because　i　couldnt　change　things；　i　said　as　little　as　possible　or　asked　my　girlfriends　for　information。

after　id　learned　quite　a　lot；　mother　once　said　to　me；　〃anne；　let　me　give　you　some　good　advice。　never　discuss　this　with　boys；　and　if　they　bring　it　up；　dont　answer　them。鈥�

i　still　remember　my　exact　reply。　〃no；　of　course　not；〃　i　exclaimed。　〃imagine！〃　and　nothing　more　was　said。

when　we　first　went　into　hiding；　father　often　told　me　about　things　id　rather　have　heard　from　mother；　and　i　learned　the　rest　from　books　or　things　i　picked　up　in　conversations。

peter　van　daan　wasnt　ever　as　obnoxious　about　this　subject　as　the　boys　at　school。　or　maybe　just　once　or　twice；　in　the　beginning；　though　he　wasnt　trying　to　get　me　to　talk。

mrs。　van　daan　once　told　us　shed　never　discussed　these　matters　with　peter；　and　as　far　as　she　knew；　neither　had　her　husband。　apparently　she　didnt　even　know　how　much　peter　knew　or　where　he　got　his　information。

yesterday；　when　margot；　peter　and　i　were　peeling　potatoes；　the　conversation　somehow　turned　to　boche。　〃were　still　not　sure　whether　boche　is　a　boy　or　a　girl；　are　we？〃　i　asked。

yes　we　are；　he　answered。　〃boche　is　a　tomcat。鈥�

i　began　to　laugh。　〃some　tomcat　if　hes　pregnant。鈥�

peter　and　margot　joined　in　the　laughter。　you　see；　a　month　or　two　ago　peter　informed　us　that　boche　was　sure　to　have　kittens　before　long；　because　her　stomach　was　rapidly　swelling。　however；　boches　fat　tummy　turned　out　to　be　due　to　a　bunch　of　stolen　bones。　no　kittens　were　growing　inside；　much　less　about　to　be　born。

peter　felt　called　upon　to　defend　himself　against　my　accusation。　〃e　with　me。　you　can　see　for　yourself。　i　was　horsing　around　with　the　cat　one　day；　and　i　could　definitely　see　it　was　a　he。　鈥�

unable　to　restrain　my　curiosity；　i　went　with　him　to　the　warehouse。　boche；　however；　wasnt　receiving　visitors　at　that　hour；　and　was　nowhere　in　sight。　we　waited　for　a　while；　but　when　it　got　cold；　we　went　back　upstairs。

later　that　afternoon　i　heard　peter　go　downstairs　for　the　second　time。　i　mustered　the　courage　to　walk　through　the　silent　house　by　myself　and　reached　the　warehouse。　boche　was　on　the　packing　table；　playing　with　peter；　who　was　getting　ready　to　put　him　on　the　scale　and　weigh　him。

〃hi；　do　you　want　to　have　a　look？〃　without　any　preliminaries；　he　picked　up　the　cat；　turned　him　over　on　his　back；　deftly　held　his　head　and　paws　and　began　the　lesson。

〃this　is　the　male　sexual　organ；　these　are　a　few　stray　hairs；　and　thats　his　backside。鈥�

the　cat　flipped　himself　over　and　stood　up　on　his　little　white　feet。

if　any　other　boy　had　pointed　out　the　〃male　sexual　organ〃　to　me；　i　would　never　have　given　him　a　second　glance。　but　peter　went　on　talking　in　a　normal　voice　about　what　is　otherwise　a　very　awkward　subject。　nor　did　he　have　any　ulterior　motives。　by　the　time　hed　finished；　i　felt　so　much　at　ease　that　i　started　acting　normally　too。　we　played　with　boche；　had　a　good　time；　chatted　a　bit　and　finally　sauntered　through　the　long　warehouse　to　the　door。　〃were　you　there　when　mouschi　was　fixed？鈥�

〃yeah；　sure。　it　doesnt　take　long。　they　give　the　cat　an　anesthetic；　of　course。鈥�

〃do　they　take　something　out？鈥�

〃no；　the　vet　just　snips　the　tube。　theres　nothing　to　see　on　the　outside。鈥�

i　had　to　get　up　my　nerve　to　ask　a　question；　since　it　wasnt　as　〃normal〃　as　i　thought。

〃peter；　the　german　word　geschlecht